Cyber-Monday Prophecies

Tom Brezsny
- Tom Brezsny

Cyber-Monday Prophecies

I was in a deep funk last week when I realized there weren’t going to be any big Black Friday Real Estate Sales happening in Santa Cruz this holiday season. No screaming deals. No all night sell-a-thons. No raging discounts on already-slashed home prices.  It’s hard to have a big sale when there’s no inventory on the MLS shelves.  

So there I was, all dressed up with nowhere to show to prospective buyers. I canceled the Black Friday house-hunting spree and retreated to the couch to take solace in a full slate of college football games and the chance to pig-out on leftovers. I spent the rest of the weekend waiting for Cyber-Monday, floating on a warm, post-Thanksgiving high provided by all the tryptophan in the turkey (known as nature’s prozac).

By Sunday night, so much serotonin had been released into my brain that my eyes glazed over in reverie like soft candied yams. Tripping on a sea of euphoria, I slipped into a hallucinogenic dreamstate full of cryptic prophecies about Cyber-Monday and the future of real estate. Here’s a small sample:

As global weather patterns continue to change, Realtors will begin marketing “ClimeShare” Properties allowing Midwesterners to trade weeks in their tornado alley homes with others wanting to take breaks from California wildfires or East Coast polar vortexes or Florida hurricane hotspots.

California will begin selling lottery tickets for the right to view new listings in half hour increments before their offer dates. The windfall in state revenue will be earmarked for low income housing efforts. 

A young ego-driven broker will begin selling one-of-a-kind custom listing videos as exclusive non fungible digital tokens (NFTs) after he discovers they’ll sell for more than the actual homes sell for.

The Conversation Pit will make a comeback in American homes. Most of them will be located in lead-lined safe rooms, where no electromagnetic tv or phone frequencies can penetrate.

Attempting to control the growing outward migration from California, Texas, Idaho and Montana will pass laws stipulating that u-haul trucks originating in California can only relocate to other blue states. 

By the fall of 2022,  there will be a noticeable backlash against the use of technology in real estate.  Growing numbers of clients will refuse to let their agents communicate with them by text or email and will reject signing anything that requires an electronic signature.  New “high-touch” real estate firms will open touting their “organic and algorithm-free agents”. 

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